Oh, my --- I haven't written in a whole month!! With the schedule change in summer, school, family vacation and work, I have been way overwhelmed - and busy!
I have to tell you... I am SO excited!! I submitted a written work to the #nomoreshame project and I was selected! My poem "Starlight" will be published in their annual Anthology this Fall! Here is what I can share with you:
"...Entries in my 'mommy blog' have replaced car ride views of untouchable worlds. I still reach for my starlight, but for a different reason. No longer seclusion or captivity, but freedom..."
Also, I will published on Rachel Grant's blog this coming September! I have had the privilege of spending some time speaking with her. If you haven't visited her website or follow her on Twitter, I encourage you to! She is a bright light on this dark and lonely journey, for sure!
I continue to pray about my writing journey. I hope it is effective and worth something to someone. I still have a long way in my recovery from the disease of trauma and abuse which makes me feel pretty incapable at times. I feel like I am moving forward only to look down and realize it's my head spinning and my feet are glued to the ground (not to stumble, I suppose).
Please pray for me. I really don't know what I need to do. I always said I wanted to go through this process to be transparent of myself (an example of the journey to others who are on the same path) and to win the battle. But, I am realizing more and more, that I have been fighting this battle for a very long time - since I was two years old, I believe. I'm living in the world I know... new worlds are very scary, even though they are probably more safe and much healthier.
I'm praying for you too, my friend. Even if you do not know God or believe in mine, it is all I have to extend to you besides my words and my journey.
Blessings and freedom,
Last night, I was on Twitter. I never used to be on Twitter, but after getting familiar with it for work, I decided that it may be worth trying to connect people with my blog. I have to tell you! It has been such a blessing.
When I was in therapy for abuse, I had a therapist to share my journey with, someone who believed me, listened and related. I've been blessed with wonderful therapists. When I was in a woman's support group, for the first time, I didn't feel "different" or "special". I was the same. I wasn't the only one with quirks, phobias, guilt or questions. I finally could relate and, I think, others related with me.
But, for the last several years, I have been unable to find safety in therapy for abuse. So, I'm living the best I can with what I've got and what I've learned. But, even writing here is a very seclusive place to be. Although I am as transparent and consistent add I can be with sharing my journey, I don't quite know if my voice is being heard or if what I have to say really matters or makes sense to anyone else.
When I started blogging four years ago, the only other women I really knew that wrote about about or had been abused were Beth Moore and Joyce Meyers. Then, I meet Wendy Blight, Rachel Grant , Tiffany Symeonides, Mally Tamale-Sali and Grace Lane and my world of encouragement started to open... his is much bigger than me.
Now, I'm walking through this journey at my computer. I found their are many, many other women with similar journeys. I'm blessed by their openness, bravery, energy, honesty and kindness. Women like Nichole Bromley, Susan Crocombe, Athena Moberg, Bobbi Parish and Trauma Recovery University have introduced me to a community of survivors and they communicate with me as if we were long-time friends.
When you look for Freedom in the right places, you tend to find yourself in right places, with the right people. I encourage you find someone to admire, not the same person to lean on in need, but someone you can look to. Someone to remind you that you aren't alone and they've too have experienced like pains. And someone that you can be confident that they aren't a perfect person... and you shouldn't be expected to be perfect either.
Whether you have a physical or virtual support group, a friend or someone across the ocean you've never meet, consider visiting the communities on Facebook and Twitter that I have found. To get you started, here are some of my favorites:
Copyright ©Rayne 2015
Molar Abuse© and My Journey Journal contents are property of Rayne. | All content is copyright protected. | No reproducing is allowed without written permission.
CONTACT for permission and printables,
I thought, "Isn't this like life?" (If you haven't noticed before now, or are new to my blog, I love metaphors!!) "You are just moving along and unexpectedly a warning light flashes. It tells you that something isn't functioning right, maybe tells you what is wrong and you may even know what to do (or know if there is a manual to fix it). You know you should stop to do something about it, but you don't want to take the time to and you don't want to have to pay for it."
As I drove home with an empty tank of gas, I thought about my journey through my recovery. Ten years ago, I had warning light that flashed brightly before my eyes: childhood sexual abuse surviver. So, I had a choice: I could stop and try to work on the situation or keep trucking along, hoping not to run out of gas.
I choose to check my warning light and see what I could do to make the situation better. To me, it seemed like the only option. I still run out of gas and have to be repaired quite often. But, if I had to endure the pain, at least, hopefully I will be filled up enough that if I am driving down this journey of life and notice someone else, stuck, broken, abandoned or out of gas, I will have the strength to help them too.
Driving in the rain, I went under on overpass. The rain stopped for one brief moment. What a short relief from such a stressful drive. The rain would come and go, sometimes leaving a bright blue sky of hope behind it.
Looking through the drops of rain, whether a beautiful midst or a blinding downpour, I thought about how that is like, I suppose, life for everyone... not just those of us fighting against abuse.
Storm clouds roar and rage. It isn't fun, this fight. But, I have to be thankful for those times. Without them, I would not gain perspective or growth or nourishment. Without them, the road would be long, desolate and hopeless.
Even though the storms seem to be the problem in life, sometimes they blind me and protect me. Sometimes, they make me be more aware of what is around me. Sometimes, they make me much more attentive and careful about what I do. Where I go. Sometimes, they make me have to pay attention to who is around me, even though my focus has to be on my own path... journey.
Are the storms raging around you today? It may be a beautiful, sunny day in your journey. It may be lightly sprinkling with a forecast predicting things will soon take a turn for the worse... you are not alone. Remember to stay as aware of your surroundings as you can. Enjoy what you can. Learn what you can. Grow when you can. And, know this road leads to somewhere... freedom from the past and all that's haunting.
Copyright ©Rayne 2015
Molar Abuse© and My Journey Journal contents are property of Rayne.
All content is copyright protected. | No reproducing is allowed without written permission.
CONTACT for permission and printables.
Last week, I was helping my sister-in-law blow up balloons for a charity event. Everything was going smoothly... until I got "that one" - the balloon that came out of the package with a microscopic-size hole. Have you ever tried to blow up a balloon that has a hole in it!? Well, obviously, I quickly gave up on that balloon and continued on with the task. BUT! It got me thinking... how much I am like a balloon with a hole.
Now, I didn't come out of a bag. And if I did, God wouldn't have made me anything less than whole. Circumstances of life, our own choices and the decisions of others all pierce wounds in what was created to be a perfect thing. When abuse has pierced your body and soul, life seems as though no amount of air or effort will get you anywhere. You can try and try to make life bigger and better, but effort and joy just leak out as fast as you can give it.
Thank goodness life isn't about feelings or trying. It is about being mended and choosing to do something different, be someone bigger than you would have been if you were resistant to abuse, resentment, anger and shame. We weren't picked randomly out of a bag and sent into life with holes. God chose to give others on Earth the free will to do good or evil, knowing that could possibly hurt someone else. God didn't hurt us. Someone with sinful nature did... someone, likely, with their own hurt.
Sure, I believe that recovery sure is possible without God. But, I do believe that it is because of God that anyone can heal from trauma. God loves each of us regardless of our pits, inabilities, indifference or unique impressions. He never wants us to be sad, depressed and in a constant state of suffering. As capable as He was to create us, He is just as capable to mend us and to send us places we never imagined we would ever be able to go on our own.
If your life seems like a bunch of "hot air" today, be assured you are not alone in this journey and you are not just a balloon and a hole. You are bright, brilliant, capable, strong and resilient enough to ascend beyond this trapped life.
photo credit: In the sunset of dissolution, everything is illuminated by the aura of nostalgia, even the guillotine via photopin (license) cc