1/24/16

Writing in the Sand


Well, I had the best intentions for 2016!  I started the year by making a list of ways to be intentional about life and I even did a bit of studying on courage, which I had the best intentions of blogging about.  But, I think I'm a bit stuck... not how I intended on beginning 2016 - feels a bit like writing in the sand.

I have had unexpected life changes.  I somewhat hastily quit my almost-full-time job to pursue freelance work in writing and design.  With relief in some ways, this change has also brought the anticipation of the unknown.  I am also changing therapists, so I am a bit anxious about what that change will bring.

I find myself questioning things about life that I've never questioned before.  Maybe it is not ironic that this was my year, planned to be focused on living with intention and courage... I may need it more than I anticipated.  I was hoping to better myself... I may need to free myself.

Have you set New Year goals or intentions?  I encourage you to keep them present in your life and to always be willing to revisit them, despite what life throws in your way to distract and discourage you.

I suppose, you can look at it... writing in the sand just gives you extra chances to begin again.  To a year of many new beginnings and intentional courage!
Rayne

12/10/15

This Little Light of Mine

"Wonder rather than doubt is the root of all knowledge."
Abraham Joshua Heschel

Light, Lighting, Green, Christmas, Festive, Holiday

Despite whether life's circumstances are wrapped up into pretty packages or the mysterious, out of focus unknown, it seems as if it's full of so many questions.  It seems that I don't even know the difference between imagination, creativity, doubt, wisdom, inspiration or reality any more.

What does life look like to you?  Does the unknown look the same, despite its differences?

Some days, most days, I let life pass by, looking off into the absence of blurred lights.  Some days, I look at what life could be like and dress it all up in my head, perfectly presentable in anticipation of getting something bigger than I could have bought in the finest store.

Go ahead... look at the yellow lights in the image above.  Just look at them, find refuge in them... it is calming in a way.  After awhile, staring at the yellow and blue lights becomes comfortable, almost relaxing.

Do you know what those blurred lights are?  To me they represent disassociation, depression, weariness, doubt and defeat.  I wish those specks of blurred color would bring me new knowledge, insight or a fresh search for renewed hope.  But, as long as I continue to allow myself to look past the present, literally, I miss everything else that happens around me.

Now, look at the lower right of the same image.  It feels different and it has a different story.  It is clean, crisp and full of anticipation.  I wish I could live everyday - in the "present".  I do!  But, who knows what is inside.  I could be bravery or   ... but, it could also be fear of torn relationships, resurfacing pain of the past or reminders of deep sorrow.

Do I want to take that chance?  I don't know what I'll get living in the present.  I am comfortable living in the soothing stare of familiarity.  But, if that is the only place I live today, that is likely where I will be tomorrow, its tomorrow and the tomorrow after that.

That is where my journey leaves me today,
Rayne

I encourage you to seek the Light of the world this holiday season.  Because, even if you are stuck in the distance of disassociation, fear, depression, anger, loneliness, shame or doubt... He is there too.


Copyright ©Rayne 2015  |  If this is your first time to my blog, I try to write as transparently as if I were writing in a personal journal... writing my journey from childhood sexual abuse and the repercussions it has on repressed memories, coping and living as an adult.   Molar Abuse© and My Journey Journal contents are property of Rayne. (me) and all of my content is copyright protected.  It is illegal, stealing and disrespectful to use or reproduce my journey, my mission or my words without written permission Please CONTACT me for written permission and printables to share.  My images are CC0 Public Domain from pixabay.com

11/13/15

Your problem isn't the same as mine? What!?


This week, my daughter attended a rehearsal for a local symphony.  She had told me she was nervous several times this week.  In my attempt to "make it better", as we were driving to the rehearsal I said, "Don't worry about not knowing anyone.  You'll go in, put your instrument together and go to your assigned seat.  Once you sit down, you will naturally get to know the other players around you and you'll probably hang out with them during breaks."  To which, she replied, "You're the one with people problems, not me!  It's playing music I've never seen that I am nervous about - not meeting new people."

Well!!  I hadn't thought about it.  She was right.  Although it isn't a delightful feeling to have your 14 year old daughter point out the things you like the least about yourself, she was right.  Music is my place of safety in many ways.  I've never really been excited about social situations.

I just made me think.  How many times we put our "normal" onto what other people expect to be their "normal"... when, maybe, we can't even relate or recognize naturally what their natural gifts or fears are.

I'm not sure it is something we can really change.  But, at least it is something to consider when we "help" people with their worries of life.

Blessings as you live your "normal" journey today,
Rayne

Copyright ©Rayne 2015  |  If this is your first time to my blog, I try to write as transparently as if I were writing in a personal journal... writing my journey from childhood sexual abuse and the repercussions it has on repressed memories, coping and living as an adult.   Molar Abuse© and My Journey Journal contents are property of Rayne. (me) and all of my content is copyright protected.  It is illegal, stealing and disrespectful to use or reproduce my journey, my mission or my words without written permission Please CONTACT me for written permission and printables to share.  My images are CC0 Public Domain from pixabay.com

11/4/15

Living life staring at the road mohawk


On this journey, I question what road I am taking... a lot.  Daily I wonder and pray that each step I choose will lead to health, wholeness and happiness.


This week, while driving down the road, I noticed what I have coined, "the road mohawk".  What is a road mohawk??  Well, it is a collection of dead, fall leaves that because of the curvature of the road and the contradictory traffic patterns, the road is completely clear of any debris... except this strip of stranded leaves right in the middle of the road where the cars don't drive.


Every time I drive past a "road mohawk" it makes me wonder what I am passing by in life, what I leave a trail of behind me.  It makes me wonder what kind of road would my journey resemble.


Would it be bright and full of hope?  Would it be dreary and depressing?  Would there be a glimmer of light at the end?  Would it be a trap?  Would it be able or worth escaping?


Someday, I hope my path looks consistent... not a dead-ended trap, full of u-turns, never-ending or unpredictable.  I hope that someday, I won't have to look down at the mohawk of path beside me, the left-overs and push-overs, but anticipate what hope lies ahead.  I hope that someday, my path is a place I enjoy being and that doesn't bring fear and doubt with every step.  I hope, someday, it just makes sense.  

Until then... everyday, the path looks different.

Rayne


Copyright ©Rayne 2015  |  If this is your first time to my blog, I try to write as transparently as if I were writing in a personal journal... writing my journey from childhood sexual abuse and the repercussions it has on repressed memories, coping and living as an adult.   Molar Abuse© and My Journey Journal contents are property of Rayne. (me) and all of my content is copyright protected.  It is illegal, stealing and disrespectful to use or reproduce my journey, my mission or my words without written permission Please CONTACT me for written permission and printables to share.  My images are CC0 Public Domain from pixabay.com

11/1/15

Hello, again...


Last night, I was thinking about how long it had been since sharing with you.  It has been a long time... it has been a long month.

My body and my emotions have both been torn down.  My soul is quiet right now... just trying to survive, I suppose.

Anyways, I was thinking about the word "lonely" and I came up with this quote.  I liked it and it gave me the strength to share with you.  I hope it brings a bit of clarity into your path today.

May your journey always be brighter tomorrow,
Rayne


Copyright ©Rayne 2015  |  If this is your first time to my blog, I try to write as transparently as if I were writing in a personal journal... writing my journey from childhood sexual abuse and the repercussions it has on repressed memories, coping and living as an adult.   Molar Abuse© and My Journey Journal contents are property of Rayne. (me) and all of my content is copyright protected.  It is illegal, stealing and disrespectful to use or reproduce my journey, my mission or my words without written permission Please CONTACT me for written permission and printables to share.  My images are CC0 Public Domain from pixabay.com

10/5/15

Born to Soar

Resist ordinary - you were born to soar!
Paula White



It sure feels like I have been here before... soar vs sore.  If I have contemplated those two words before, I don't think I would have been looking from the same perspective I have today.

It is easier to distinguish a "sore" spot than a growing pain.  They feel different, I suppose.

How does it seem that childhood and adulthood seem to flip-flop?  Growing up, I took everything that was different about me and made it what made me soar... above others, above diversity, above disabilities, above inabilities, above expectations, above perceptions, above faith, above dreams, ambitions and strong-will.

But, now as forty-something, I look at the things that are different about me... and become sore.  It seems so backwards.  Other people go through growing pains when they are younger and now seem to be well-rounded in their journeys - despite how big or small their growing pains where (or despite what they were).

Yesterday, I was sitting with my children eating lunch.  I made a passing comment about something that had been said or something that I had observed... I can't remember exactly what my comment was.  However... I do remember my oldest saying, "Well, you always see everything differently than everyone else."  My spirit was pierced... did she say that out loud?!?  Although she hadn't said anything wrong and she wasn't trying to be inconsiderate... I felt as though I were the 14 year old at that moment (not probably having felt that way when I was 14 the first time). I sank in my chair... I was in shock (and hurt) at her observation - more because I knew it was true.

I used to pride myself on being different!  Maybe it was the only way I could feel comfortable or drive myself to accomplish things that were beyond my reach?  I created my own little world covered any sense that being "different" was a "bad" thing.  (Although, I have always despised being referred to as "special"... but, not different.)

Being a "different" child was fine... being a "different" young adult was probably even better.  But!  I don't want to be a "different" mom --- not a "special" mom.  I don't want my kids to be embarrassed because I'm not able to communicate the way I should or others expect me to.  I don't want my kids to grow up unorganized because my process of accomplishing tasks is so skewed and foreign to most.  I don't want my kids to be "strange" to others because they mirror my ways of functioning, surviving, learning or interacting with others.

It's OK to be different, right?  It is a question for you and me to really take a hold of... seek purpose in.  I am confident in the face that the "differences" I have constructed and collected during the years have kept me sane, functioning and full of imagination.  Being "different" has it's positive sides of seeing and hearing differently...

So, during these growing pains, it is time for me to stand an resist the ordinary... resist the temptation of feeling inferior, stupid or insufficient.  Trauma and abuse steal what we were born to be... today is the day to face the growing pains and soar.

#resistordinary
@Paula_White

P.S.  I cannot tell you how many times while typing this entry I spelled "sour" instead of "soar"... appropriate, sad and funny all at the same time.


Copyright ©Rayne 2015  |  If this is your first time to my blog, I try to write as transparently as if I were writing in a personal journal... writing my journey from childhood sexual abuse and the repercussions it has on repressed memories, coping and living as an adult.   Molar Abuse© and My Journey Journal contents are property of Rayne. (me) and all of my content is copyright protected.  It is illegal, stealing and disrespectful to use or reproduce my journey, my mission or my words without written permission Please CONTACT me for written permission and printables to share.  My images are CC0 Public Domain from pixabay.com

9/30/15

Guest Blogging with Rachel Grant Coaching


Last Spring, I had the opportunity to "meet" Rachel Grant on Twitter and talk with her over the phone.  She asked me to be a guest write on her blog.  I was so honored!

Since being on Twitter, I have come across influential people in the abuse community who are really making a difference in lives affected and altered by abuse.  Rachel was of those individuals whose posts and tweets brought me closer to my journey of past abuse she had become a part of my solution in life, not the problem.

I spent several months thinking about what I would post in September for Rachel.  I had several ideas, but the closer I came to writing, the more nervous I became.  At the end of July, I sat down one night to begin working on my blog series.  Although I usually type, for some reason that night, I wanted to use pen and paper to construct my thoughts.  I was quite lost for words in the content I had thought about previously... so, I decided to work on a personal introduction of myself.

Before I knew it, the couple of scrape papers I had been writing on were filled up with words facing every which way and direction.  I didn't realize what had happened during the process of writing until I saw my own words written with ink... "and that is my story".

What?!?

Since I began writing several years ago, I have always written about my "journey"... I have never had a "story"!  It was the first time that I was confident in what I was writing to the point that I "had a story" to tell.

Thank you, Rachel, for believing in me as a writer and a survivor. Thank you for being part of my journey and allowing me to find a story and a voice to share it with others.

To read my blog series, visit Rachel Grant Coaching (August 28, 2015 through September 28, 2015),
"If You Can't Remember, Does That Mean the Abuse Wasn't Real?"
  1. Is The Grass Always Greener
  2. The Other Side of the Fence
  3. When Rayne Whispers
  4. My Journey Journal
  5. Molar Abuse

Rachel is the owner and founder of Rachel Grant Coaching and is a Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach. She is also the author of Beyond Surviving: The Final Stage in Recovery from Sexual Abuse.  Rachel has a passionate belief that her clients do not have to remain trapped or confronted daily by the thoughts or behaviors that result from abuse. Through Rachel's own journey of recovery from sexual abuse, she's gained insight and understanding about what it takes to overcome abuse - which makes it possible for her to relate to and appreciate your struggles intimately.  Rachel holds an M.A. in Counseling Psychology and provides a compassionate and challenging approach for her clients while using coaching as opposed to therapeutic models.

9/14/15

Hide & Seek of the Senses



This weekend, it happened.  It has been so long since it has happened, I had totally forgot how helpless it feels.  I don't know what it is or why it happens, but maybe you can relate...

It happens when I am in public places.  Places that have a lot of people moving and a lot of chattery noises.  All at once, I feel like I am drown into a brilliant and almost supernatural world... but, not in a fun way.  Everything around me gets very, very bright... people and things remain the same, but all the spaces in between fill with a transparent white that illuminates my circumstances.

At this point, I get embarrassed, especially if I am talking with someone.  I feel like I am going to faint, but with none of the worries.  I feel like my eyes are crossed and they can see the confusion swirling around in my head.  

Then, the noise.  Not does everything get very, very loud but the united sound of rambling becomes divided conversations... like I am standing in everyone of them myself, even though I am not.  When I hear so much, I am able to still speak and I am able to still focus on the conversation I am having... I think.  I hope I look "normal" when this happens.  I try to keep appearing that everything is OK, when in reality, I am some place far, far away and somewhere so intensely close to the sounds and sights around me.

When this happens, I just want it to stop.  Because I can hear everyone's conversations and everything around me is so visible, I suppose it makes me feel like I am the same way to everyone else... except, I am probably the only one who is being loud and attracting attention by separation of light around me.

It isn't a crazy feeling, but it is a I-don't-like-it feeling.  Besides a slight fainting feeling, it is like my brain is playing hide and seek of the senses... really, it feels scary (and did I mention embarrassing).  After I am able to leave the crowded, bright and loud space, I spend the remainder of my day in bed.  It exhausts me.  I want to feel secure and safe with silence and calm being my retreat.  Seclusion seems to be my remedy.  Exhaustion seems to be my denial.

I tried to look it up and to me, I think it is PTSD that causes these episodes.  You may think I am crazy.  One, for sharing this with you.  Two, for it happening in the first place.  It hasn't happened in such a long time, I couldn't have ever described it.  This is a personal and vulnerable post.  I am only writing to let someone, at some time and some place know they are not alone if this happens to them.  Although being embarrassed at the moment and exhausted after will probably accompany this act of the mind, in the end, you are not an alien or strange person.

You are an exceptional person, adapting to circumstances you couldn't control in a remarkable way to keep yourself protected... and you are not alone.

Copyright ©Rayne 2015  |  If this is your first time to my blog, I try to write as transparently as if I were writing in a personal journal... writing my journey from childhood sexual abuse and the repercussions it has on repressed memories, coping and living as an adult.   Molar Abuse© and My Journey Journal contents are property of Rayne. (me) and all of my content is copyright protected.  It is illegal, stealing and disrespectful to use or reproduce my journey, my mission or my words without written permission Please CONTACT me for written permission and printables to share.  My images are CC0 Public Domain from pixabay.com.

9/11/15

Day Five: All That is Bitter & Sweet

9-11

Today, remember the importance of every life around you and the vitality of every emotion you carry.  Our journeys are so individual, yet we often walk the same path... hoping, dreaming and wishing for the same freedom.  If only this - today, celebrate that you have not been forgotten or abandoned.  The act of living has its many colors, but despite the approaching storms or the calming winds, we always have something inside to change the color of someone else's day.

Rayne

P.S.  It's Friday and I wanted to share a video with you.  I am not able to share one video, because I couldn't help but share two... thanks to the integrity, empathy and willingness to survivors like Ashley Judd, we are sweetly reminded that we are not alone, despite the bitter tragedies that continually rage round us. 

"I was trying to give away what I did not yet have."
Ashley Judd





Connect your head and your heart.
#VerticalJourney




"I was so astounded and shattered.
I didn't have anywhere in my brain to put this information.
I was so flooded and my heart was absolutely broken.
Remember, I came into this work with kind of a broken heart to begin with;
there was a reason I was attracted to trauma.
There was a reason I intuited:
I had a very strange capacity for emotional extremes."
Ashley Judd

#NoAbandonment



9/9/15

The Scent of Fresh Rain: A Massage for the Soul

"I was trying to give away what I did not yet have."
Ashley Judd


Ahhh..... I wish you could hear it.

I wish you could...

...my kids are all tucked in bed, or at least it sounds like they are.  All I can hear is the steady rush of falling rain and an infrequent kiss of thunder.  I am such at peace when life is still with nothing but a rain storm... it's like a massage for the soul.

I came across a quote that I just can't abandon.  In SO many ways, these words send the same calm through me as the scent of a fresh rain:

"I was trying to give away what I did not yet have."

There is something so familiar and genuine hiding in that sentence.  That is my journey!  I wish what I wish to give away were as clear as the sound of the rainfall.  (Although, that sentence may be  little muddy, it is what I mean to say.)  I want to give, contribute, inspire... but, with what?  All I have had in this journey have been words, words that spill from my fingertips to my screen, not touching my brain or recognizing my heart.  

I want to be strength to others, yet I am weak.  I want to inspire others, yet I drain others by self-focus.  I want to share, yet don't even know what my own story is.  I want to be transparent, yet I can't even see the difference between life's truths and lies.  I want to live, yet I am never in the present hiding from the past.  

I don't know... her words are like an umbrella - the barrier between what is and isn't, what I know and what I don't, what I desire and my ability to weather the storm.

May you find peace in your storm today... a piece of your story to share with someone who needs to hear the sweet sound of what is missing they didn't know was there (or, the other way around).

Rayne

Copyright ©Rayne 2015  |  If this is your first time to my blog, I try to write as transparently as if I were writing in a personal journal... writing my journey from childhood sexual abuse and the repercussions it has on repressed memories, coping and living as an adult.   Molar Abuse© and My Journey Journal contents are property of Rayne. (me) and all of my content is copyright protected.  It is illegal, stealing and disrespectful to use or reproduce my journey, my mission or my words without written permission Please CONTACT me for written permission and printables to share.  
photo credit: do not destroy my circles via photopin (license)