Welcome to my blog...

Welcome to my blog...
Dear friend,

I do not have a story to tell yet, but [through the power of the One who made me], I do have a journey of healing to share.

Survivor! You need to know that you are not alone!

I encourage you to have assurance that His strength can be found in our weakness… and know that His loving power is better than our life of unintended despair & loneliness… know that through our brokenness, we can be made whole through the perfectness of God our Creator.

I pray that sharing my journey with others will empower the victim to be removed from the deceit of abusive sin… that the victorious glory that is God’s Will, will shine through the darkness that abuse creates.

I pray that God will use my journey to inspire those who have been wounded to be bound no more... this is why I share my journey of recovery with you.

In His love ~ Rayne


When Bed Calls My Name: Overcomer

I heard a favorite song of mine on the radio the other day.  There is really no reason I like this song and it doesn't have too much sentiment to me.  I don't even know why I like it.  But, in the middle of this song, it's sung:

say my name
sun shines through the rain
a whole life so lonely
and then come and ease the pain

Storms seem to appear frequently in my life.  I probably create a few myself, just for sake of it.  It is safer to feel lonely when you feel like you have a reason.  Storms are the perfect excuse of seclusion and self-pity, I think.  
But [as I write] the thing I realize about storms is that even during the stormiest seasons of life, it can't stay stormy forever.  Even Noah in the Bible saw relief from the storm. God provided him a way to sail right over the winds and the waves.  He soon found sunshine.  And after the sun shined through the rain... it rained again.
I know the song I am writing about is probably written about a couple in love, but this is my blog and can create my own creative license... can't I?  (Please know, I am NOT a rule breaker... so, I write that with a grin.)
If there were never rain, land would become barren, droughty, weak and dead.  One of the only things that could help ease the pain would be the welcoming of rain.  In the same way, a life over-ridden with storms ceases the sun shining.  Everything in life looks different when storm clouds are lifted and the sun dries out all the pain.
I don't know... I feel like I am rambling.  I may not be making sense.  This is what I am trying to say:  God has called us to be "OVERCOMERS".  How can we overcome, if we have nothing to overcome? 
Some people live in a season of Summer for most of their lives and their storms look differently than ours.  But, being abused, we HAVE something to overcome!!  We have two choices:
1.  Bunker down and live in a bed of defeat, or
2.  Choose to be better than what we have been given.
The rains of life's storms can only be a benefit if we look at them in the right perspective.  Soak in the rain when you are able to.  When the sun shines through the rain, allow the rain to nurture and feed the loneliness and pain.
Sin will not subside until God is the only choice.  Choosing God on Earth, despite the sin around us, will allow us peaceful places to hide, retreat and celebrate.  Heaven is too coming... I'm sure there, the sun will shine on the rain and the snow (and it won't mess up our hair or make us cold)!!
Choose to get out of bed today.  Choose to be an overcomer of the storms in your life.  And then, once you're free from pain, allow yourself to show someone else that life doesn't have to be so lonely.  
God asks, "Just say My Name... I will ease the pain."  
The sun shine will look differently today than tomorrow.  Take one day at a time and don't look down on yourself.  Until Heaven, I don't think we will ever see the moment when we are "whole"... so do good when you can.  
You can do it!  You can be an overcomer, friend!!

Writer(s): Harry Warren, Al Dubin, Susanna Lee Hoffs, Susanna Hoffs, Billy Steinberg, Tom Kelly
Copyright: Sony/ATV Tunes LLC, WB Music Corp., Bangophile Music


When Bed Calls My Name: Depression

Sometimes, I want to bring you a message of hope, but I have no words.  Depression has overtaken me this last week.  It was a fight to get up and get out of bed this morning.  But... God whispered to my spirit that I was an over-comer and through His strength I didn't spend the morning in bed.  Then, I found this song:

Don't give in to the lies Satan tells you about your past, present or future.  Depression is consuming.  It consumes us into selfishness.  It tells us that we are worthless and incapable.  It becomes a prison we create for comfort and safety, but it only separates and distracts us from better things. Depression is a deceiver!!  As much medicine as the doctors have me take, I really think the only way to beat depression is through the One True God.  He is the only thing bigger than me, my circumstances and my own mind.  

It has been a long ten years for me.  I don't doubt that God is the only ray of hope I have had at times... times I've been down and hit the bottom.  Even now, hours after daybreak, bed is calling my name.  If I return, I don't doubt that God will be with me to renew my spirit.  I don't doubt that God wasn't holding me during an abusive childhood.  I'm here today.  I may sound more confident in my writing at this moment than I am in my heart, but I can't quit.  

You can't quit.  Someone else's sins can not get in the way of what God has for you!!  Stay in the fight, friends!!  

You are not hopeless. 

You are not alone... God is holding you!!


This is just the way I look at things

So, I'm telling you.  It seems like where ever I turned the last few days, I have been bombarded with fear.   Messages about fear, against fear, defeating fear, overcoming fear or being fearful.

I came across this image on Facebook today and I had to post it.  The sermon at church yesterday was about overcoming fear.  I found a month-old email that I had sent to myself about fear.  This morning I opened an eNewsletter from a woman I hold very dear and she was open and honest about her fears.

I have been fearing friendship and motherhood.  Fear of failing.  Fear of inadequacy.  Fear of intimacy.  Fear of depression.  Fear of freedom.  Fear of abuse.  Fear of the past.  Fear of the future.  Fear of weight gain.  Fear of aging.  Fear of being behind with tasks at home, at work and my personal aspirations.  The fear of not writing the right things here.  The fear of not writing enough.  The fear of no one reading.

Just to name a few!

Everything I fear is real.  Whether they are current, past or future fears, they happen.  I don't know... is fear just an emotion?  Is it a temptation?  Is it faithless living?  Is it just how I feel?  Is it all of them?  One thing I know, fear is not God.

Like the notes I emailed to myself, I found these words, "Fear can be born out of the desires to get ahead, advance and avoid.  Motivations, wants and desires all drive us.  But, when I give life to fear, I become extremely out of balance... which leads to real fear.  Life has its way of breeding the emotional fear for all of us.  Fears like terrorism, cancer, economic downturn, loss of a loved one, abuse, relationships.  These are all real fears!  Even if non of these are happening in my life right now, sooner or later they may.  So, how am I going to face the fear that comes?

I feel like abuse and depression leave such a vacancy of capability in me that I can not often attack fear the way I wish I could.  Or, if I do, it is short lived and followed with extreme exhaustion.  Then, I begin fearing fear.  I fear not being able to control my emotions. I fear not understanding my feelings.  I fear not being able to control my feelings.  I fear not knowing what it is that I feel or what I portray to others.  I fear not being able to see through the depression to have faith in God to allow Him to work despite and in-spite of me.

It is here... where I am stuck.  I neglect meeting you here because of fear.  Fear of not having anything to say.  Fear of saying something anyone else could say.  Fear of not making sense.  Fear of using time I could be doing something else.  Fear of not writing enough because someone may need to hear what I am experiencing.  Fear of not following God's tug on my heart to reach others with the steps of this journey I am on.

These things I fear.

I don't have a way out.  I don't have around my depression, sorrow and sadness.  I know that God is the Way, but even medicine and wishful thinking take my fears away.  I know God is bigger than anything I face.  I fear my fears being bigger than they really are.  I fear my fears being so insignificant to anyone else.  I fear my fears being such a passing emotion that life should pass me by without me knowing my own significance.  I don't know what to do... and, I don't like writing that to you!  But, I committed to be here and journal what my journey is... real.

The notes that I emailed to myself?  At the end of my email, I had written these words and I'd like to leave them with you until the next time I write:

"Change the way you look at things.
So the things you look at change."

When I am afraid, I will trust in You.  In God, whose Word I praise. In God I trust; I will not be afraid.  What can mortal man do to me?  Psalm 56:3-4


Oh... I wish I could remember.

Oh, I wish I could remember what I wanted to tell you.  The other day, something I observed served as such an illustration of the fight for freedom from abuse.  I know it will come to me again... until then, know that I have prayed over this post and for you if you are reading.

Our minds, our memories may not serve us well... but the One who created us will always supply our deepest needs.


Don't forget to "like" my Facebook page and "follow" me on Twitter.
I share lots of thoughts and links there that may not make it on my blog.

Also, make sure to sign up to get my posts by email.
I hope being able to share my journey with you blesses you half as much as it is a blessing to me.


I'm a Sheared Sheep

Yesterday, I was talking to some dear friends about our relationship with God.  One of my friends was talking about a situation that was happening in her life and she just didn't know what to do.  She was saying, "I look to God for guidance, but I don't seem to hear an answer. If God is my Shepard, I must be a deaf sheep."  To which I instantly replied, "I must be a sheared sheep".

That was my honest reaction.

It feels like I've been striped of everything I knew as truth these last ten years.  Everything I thought was true.. everything I was comfortable with.  I don't know what that fleece coat looked like ten years ago when I was told that I have repressed memories of abuse from childhood abuse.  However, I do know, that as groomed as I attempted to keep it, I can't begin to imagine the amount of dirt, diseases and sores I was hiding under there.

It isn't fun getting sheered.  It is an embarrassing, humbling process. You can't reach all those places that you need to have trimmed.  You need help.  You can't tolerate the pain at times.  You need help.

It will be a life time of growing back a healthy coat... if I were a sheep.  I am not a sheep... but, I do know who is my Shepard.  Despite where I am, how I feel or what I've been through, God is with me past, present, future and He is watching over me.  Whether you are deaf, blind, sick, tired, sheared or avoiding any of those all together, God is as close to you during the darkest moments as He is when you have moments of rejoicing.

Honesty will reward you with freedom in the presence of the One who brings overflows of blessings to those who love Him.

The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need.
He lets me rest in green meadows; He leads me beside peaceful streams.
He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.
Even when I walk through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.
You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord

And, do you know what comes from a sheared fleece?  Cashmere.

Yes, Thou art with me.